She came into my life on an early morning in April. I opened the door, and there she was: sitting patiently, with a wide toothy grin. She ran to me as her tail wagged, jumped eagerly as if to say, “There you are! I’ve been waiting for you!” She licked my arms and followed me to my car as I packed it up to head back to Las Vegas. I was in Chino, CA for my uncle’s funeral -my mom’s eldest brother, also my godfather. A father figure to many. The week had been very emotional. It actually had been a very difficult 6 months full of loss, grief, and loads of tears. I probably cried more than I ever have in my life. And then there she was, beaming up at me. A jolt of life. A force of nature that followed me even after I put a plate of kibble down in front of her on the sidewalk and walked back to the house. She forgot the meal, trailed behind me, and it was as if she said, “where are you going, don’t leave me.” I thought to myself, “Oh no! Oh no! I can’t have a dog! Oh no! BUT I THINK THIS IS MY DOG!!! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??” She had no collar and my mom said she had seen her roaming around the neighborhood for the last day or so. I wasn’t aware of anyone actively looking for her. It was too early in the morning to go door to door and all the shelters were not open yet. I was not about to leave her on the streets. There is a busy intersection around the corner with big mac trucks driving by every few minutes. I also was not going to leave her with my mom and family because I didn’t think they would know what to do with her. They are used to pomeranians and SHE was NOT a pomeranian. She looked a lot like a dog I had grown close to in the past few years. That’s also what drew me to her. She looked like a German Shepherd mixed with something else. Tan, with two moles on the sides of her cheeks. What could I do? I went into the house, snatched an old sheet and towel, laid it on the back seat and coaxed her into the car. I took the tie off my house robe and made a makeshift leash and loosely tied it around her neck and onto the hand rail in the interior of my car. My mom said, “You’re taking her?! What if she belongs to somebody?!” I said, “I dunno, I guess I am. I will figure it out.” And then I left. Doggie in tow. She looked like a puppy -a big one, but definitely a puppy. Her teeth were white. She sat quietly in the back seat and I thought, “Oh, you have done this before, smart girl.” I drove an hour east on the 15 and, when I was passing through Victorville, I decided to pull over to a Pet Smart to get her a collar, leash, water bowl and poop bags. There was a Vet next door so I went in to have them scan her to see if she was microchipped. She was indeed. In California if you take an animal across stateline you are committing theft. I was not about to commit theft so I parked in the lot and made calls to the microchip companies. After calling a few, they located an owner. They said her name was Demi and that they would contact them and get back to me. I said I am on my way to Las Vegas and that I wanted to keep her safe. We made it to Vegas with one poopy accident in the car. We even stopped a couple times for a pee and poop, but she must have been too nervous. But as the drive went on, her bowels got comfortable and she relieved herself in the backseat. Sorry about the sheet and towel, mami. They are trash now. 
I got the call from the former owner a few hours after I had arrived in Las Vegas. He said he happened to be in Las Vegas -for the last 2 weeks working. Two weeks, I thought. Is that how long she had been roaming the streets? Turns out he had left her with his ex and their child, but they were having problems and she let the dog go. He said he couldn’t take care of her while he was working and that he was going to take her back to the shelter soon anyway. Many conflicting thoughts raced through my head. I ended the conversation saying I would keep her here and figure it out. And so that’s what I’ve been doing daily. My former roommate was out of town and she let me use her dog's crate (lifesaver, btw). Many, many folks responded to my posts encouraging me to keep her. I was riddled with doubt, but something in me kept saying I had to keep her. I don’t know why. I even reached out to a few people asking if they knew families that would want this dog, but then after a day I would say, “nevermind, I think I am keeping her.” 
I went back and forth daily. Her high drive personality was starting to show and there were many, many moments where I thought “I am in over my head. What am I thinking?! I’ve never had my own dog. I can’t do this, especially not alone! " But thank goodness for the community. A few friends reassured me that, yes, it would be hard, but I was capable and that, with training, what this dog would give would be so rewarding. My friend Kim Foster said something that really talked me down off the ledge. She said, “You are adding friction into your life. It will be less comfortable, but also more rewarding. You are ready. Trust yourself. And it’s ok to feel a little bit out of control. The best stuff in life happens right there.” I carry this wisdom with me every day. 
I’ll fill you in on a little secret: I’ve been training to foster children for the last 5 weeks. I am aiming to get my foster care license by September 2026. I’ve always wanted to have a family. After a couple of stints of trying to have one, looks like I will have to go at it alone -at least for now, until some other option presents itself. Throwing a dog into the mix, especially this working breed, high prey drive puppy complicates things, to say the least. But I can’t help thinking that Vida (that’s what I named her -it means Life in Spanish) was supposed to come into my life to teach me something. I can get woo woo sometimes, and I’ve got no shame in that. There is so much that is unexplainable in this universe, why not get spiritual? Times have been REALLY tough and I’ve done my fair share of weeping lately. For the last 6 months, I’ve been lighting candles and talking to my ancestors, and keeping a gratitude journal, and this has been grounding me. I seem to think Vida showing up right now was supposed to happen? Maybe my ancestors sent her to me? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just a fluke. What I do know is that lots of friction has been introduced into my life and I am having to reorganize and rethink my work, my art and my priorities. She has the potential to be a terror and destroyer if not exercised or properly mentally stimulated, AND she has the potential to be an amazing and loyal companion. 
My mornings and nights revolve around walking and feeding her and stimulating her mind. This all makes me nervous. Can I do this? Am I up for it? Do I have the time and capacity?! I have a show to direct and perform in PLUS teaching! And I want to foster (maybe eventually adopt) CHILDREN! Is this the challenge presenting itself to me? Or is it teaching me to say no??? 
I think the lessons will arrive when they arrive. Right now I am behaving as if she is mine. I try to remind myself that it’s not going to be perfect. I can ruminate all day about future outcomes. But is that helpful? She will destroy things. She will frustrate me. She will bite me. I will lose it sometimes. AND there will be many times that she will love on me, lick me, lay her head on my lap, and maybe defend me. Sounds a lot like parenting children, maybe not the licking part, but ya never know! And I know raising children is not easy. I’ve heard parents who are full of doubts say they were not cut out for it. I’ve heard exasperated caregivers want to give up in moments. That all makes sense to me. I know dogs and children are very different, but I also know that raising other beings who are dependent on you is not an easy task, human or otherwise -especially in colonial, capitalistic systems where the nuclear family is expected to do it alone. But I don’t think it’s meant to be perfect and easy. I don’t think we were meant to do this kind of work by ourselves. It really does take a village to raise our dependents. To me, family and community is about sharing the load and sharing the love -in times of celebration and in times of grief. Maybe the community and family that children and animals bring IS the reward. 
My hope and confidence grew during the most recent community dinner at Lulu on Edna. I was anxious about how Vida would do with a house full of people. I kept her in the backyard, and to my surprise, many guests, including a mother and her three year old, asked if they could meet her. I tentatively said yes. I was not sure what Vida would do with a very small child. But out we went. Vida was jumpy and excited, but not aggressive or mean. It’s obvious she wanted to play. The three year old’s mama was also there to watch out. Other people started coming out and Vida lit up energetically. And my guests welcomed her and played with her. I was so relieved! And then I thought, of course! Many of these people have their own dogs. They know what they are doing. Here I was ruminating about what havoc might occur, trying to control the situation, but everyone else was feeling easy and loving towards her -even as she went nuts in the backyard galloping wildly around the grass and trees. I did still worry about my cats escaping and Vida chasing them, but at least everyone liked my dog. They would help if something like that happened. Seeing Vida with others and, especially, a small child reassured me that keeping her was possible -not easy, but possible. And I am not alone. I have many people rooting for us. People that will show up for me and Vida (and a possible future foster child) whether it be in person, on the socials, or on Marco Polos. My community extends beyond Las Vegas. It spans the continents. For that I am so grateful. I know I am loved and supported. 
I’ve invested in a doggie seatbelt harness, if she would only let me put it on her.
So, here I am. Vida and I started our first dog training lessons a few days ago. Nick, from Content K9s, has been great. I have hope that there will be some big changes in our mom-dog relationship. I hope I can be a sturdy pack leader, and that I can provide the safety and security she can trust to lead her. I think in response, she will show me love and companionship and loyalty, but I won't demand this from her. I do hope I receive it, but I think it will take work from both of us to get there. It will fall on me to be the steadfast, consistent leader. It WILL take my guidance, direction, and redirection, but I can tell that she is in it to win it with me. And knowing that there is effort on the other side, even from a dog, makes all the difference. 