Ya know, in the past, I wanted a small dog -like a poodle or something. Something cute, cuddly, and curly. But, the universe said nope, here’s a hyped up large working breed dog for you. You need a challenge! And my part in this exchange is that I said "Yes." Was that a reckless decision? I'm still figuring that out. This week I’ve had a few moments where I wanted to give up and say, "No, Universe, never mind!" "I take it back!" Those moments were fleeting, but very real. I'll probably have those feelings again. I am not totally unfamiliar with dogs. I've lived with dogs. My partners have had dogs. My family has small dogs. But this dog is mine. All mine. My responsibility alone. And that feels different. We've had our ups and downs. She's about 7 months now and I hear adolescence can be very challenging. We’ve had days where she got riled up after walks and her impulse control short circuited. She destroyed two of my T-shirts, came at me barking and started nipping my arms and legs. I didn’t have a leash on her at the time and so I had to grab her neck at those pressure points to subdue her a bit. I don’t think she was trying to kill me, but I also don’t think she was particularly happy?? I think she was over stimulated and frustrated and needed to put that energy somewhere. Of course, mom got the brunt of it. It got a little scary, not gonna lie, but I got through it. I had to, but oooof, did it test my will. I told my trainer and a few of my other friends about it, and their responses were not particularly concerning. The trainer was like, "yeah, that’s normal puppy behavior for that breed." Another friend said, “you’ve got this.” While another said, “oh, the baby is adjusting.” All these friends are dog owners, so I imagine they have experienced something similar?? It is reassuring, nonetheless. I had a friend respond saying that she wanted to give up so many times, and almost did re-home her dog. She felt my pain and struggled similarly. Comments like that help me feel less alone. It’s just me and my three cats adjusting to this new, high energy, attention seeking dog that takes up a lot of time and space. My poor elder cat, Maude, is really feeling annoyed at the change. I've noticed her asking for more attention lately. My baby used to be an only child for 6 years, then the tuxedo twins, Pepe and Gomez, arrived almost 3 years ago, and now this big puppy lives here! Vida goes crazy every time she spots her. Poor ole ornery Maude. She's like, "step off, bitch. This is my couch! Hissssss" Vida lost her shit. I was actually proud of Maude's calm dominance. Years prior she would have bolted. It’s a struggle splitting my time with all of them, plus work, and other chores. Oh, my babies. But we will figure it out. 
I might be reading too much commentary online that is scaring me about this breed. Makes it seem like it will be impossible to train her to be ok around my cats and house. Did I mention Vida is German Shepherd and part (probably mostly) Belgian Malinois? At least that's what they told me when I got her vaccinations done at the Low Cost Spay and Neuter. They could have been guessing, but that is what she looks like. She is a powerhouse. Good guard dog. These breeds are most often employed as police and military service dogs! She can leap and lunge and jump and fly through the air. And these dogs are bred to herd and bite. This girl has already leapt over the 6 foot wall to chase a cat. I've decided to keep her leash on for the time being, even when I let her roam around the yard. At night, after walks, I hold onto her leash in the back yard because that is the time we get our cat visitors. She needs A LOT, and I mean A LOT of exercise and mental stimulation so she doesn’t turn into the Destroyer and go nuts on the yard. She's already dug a bunch of holes that I've got to fill back in cuz I'm a renter! She needs things to DO -a job, to really tire her out. I'm going to figure out a routine. I’m looking forward to my next dog training session with Nick. It ain’t cheap, but I think it's worth it. 
Playing rope tug with Ella
I originally had this as a pro and con list, but that's too black and white/good vs. bad, and I'm trying to move away from those binaries. Instead, here are some things I'm grateful for: I am definitely walking WAY more, which gets me out of the house and into my neighborhood. I've met a lot of very kind dog owners on my walks. I have also spent more time in my backyard in the last month than I ever had in the last three years I have lived here. It's amazing! I have so many trees and birds and space! I'm grateful for my landlord, Joe, and the generous deal I am getting on rent. He's a dog lover and he LOVES Vida! That's a big win for sure. Another perk is that I try to get to bed by 10 o’clock, at the latest. It’s actually been good for me because I have less time to ruminate during the day and night. My anxious brain likes to spin and swirl and dwell on the past, or storytell about the future. There’s less time for that bullshit. My day is a little more structured, even though I am still trying to get a handle on it. Challenges: It's been a month that she's been in my life and I have spent SO MUCH money. Right now, the biggest fear is how it cuts into my finances. Can I afford her longterm??! That’s where my anxiety lives. It’s hard. Her nipping and biting and pulling of the leash is frustrating and sometimes scary, but I'm working with my trainer. Hopefully this changes soon.She really is a very, very sweet dog. And very, very smart. I love her. I'm the one that needs to chill out. She's teaching me so much. I love her so much.
I’m so thankful for my community. Everyone has been so encouraging. she currently has two pup sitters I’ve hired: Cory and Ella. I think she likes them. She's a puppy. She likes everyone and everything and is super curious. She’s a handful, though. She’s been nipping at them too. Sorry y'all :-/
Ella with Vida
I don’t know if Vida is a forever dog. I’m behaving and making choices as if she is. But, I’m taking it day by day, being as present with her as I can while also trying to take care of my own needs. I went to an art show yesterday, and next week I’m going to two plays. Though she often consumes my mind and my time, I think intentionally scheduling activities I enjoy will be crucial for my mental health. It can’t be all about the puppy. Thank goodness I have a directing and performance gig at Meow Wolf all summer. It fulfills my artist self. You know how couples need date nights and time without the kids to maintain and grow their relationship? I need socializing, fun, and art/performance making too -a way to release, express myself, and maintain the relationship I have with myself, and to remember who I am without Vida. She adds A LOT to my life, don’t get me wrong. But I have to BE and nourish ALL of me so I don’t burn out...it ain’t perfect right now, but at least I have that intention. In a few months I may have a foster kid to throw into the mix. We shall see?! I'm taking everything day by day and this gives me a chance to work on establishing boundaries, being clear, and direct which, historically, I haven't been the most skilled at doing. But I'm changing. I'm moving at the pace of trust. I leave you with a powerful quote my dear friend, Tessa, whom I have known since I was 19 or 20, told me yesterday: “There’s no growth in the comfort zone, no comfort in the growth zone.” Thank you for that reminder. I am definitely not comfortable right now. Hahahaha!!!